Ballroom Dance Junkies

139. You photograph your sleeping baby in tango promenade position and email it to all of your friends. (BJP,PLA)
138. Your wife is in labor with your first child. On the way to the hospital in the middle of the night you turn your signal on when approaching the dance studio. Your wife won’t let you turn in. (BJP/ACP)
137. You have your wedding reception AT the dance studio. (CCA/PLA)
136. Instead of Lourdes, Jerusalem, or Mecca, you make a pilgrimage to Buenos Aires or Rio, to learn tango or samba. (PLA)
135. Your religious denomination forbids dancing--so you convert. (PLA)
134. You change your wedding date because it conflicts with a dance event. (MMS/PLA)
133. You are learning to dance on the installment plan--also known as dancing check to check. (JS)
132c. You arrange a transfer of a ballroom costume during a wedding. (BJP/ACP)
132b. You try on a ballroom costume at a wedding. (BJP/ACP)
132a. You bring a ballroom dance costume to a wedding so that someone else can try it on--during the wedding. (BJP/ACP)
131. Your dance floor is measured not only in length and width, but also in slope. (SPB)
130. You ask your non-dancing spouse to stay home from your company Christmas party so that you can go with a fellow dancer. And you reserve said fellow dancer a year in advance. (SRS)
129. You postpone your honeymoon for a few days to take a coaching lesson with an international dance champion. (ACP)
128. The dance band at your son's wedding will be an ethnic one so you spend $250 on a dj to play in the breaks so you can do at least one or two __________ (fill in the blanks... cha cha, west coast, samba...etc). (SAA)
127. Your youngest son is getting married and your biggest concern is whether or not your dance partner and his wife will be able to make it to the wedding so you will be assured of at least a few good dances. (SAA)
126. Bare feet on a cold tile floor feels better than sex. Oooooh, Aaaaah... sounds the same, though. (DTL)
125. You take your shoe bag into the office instead of your brief case. (BJL)
124. You have a separate checking account for dance-related expenses, with either a portion of your paycheck direct-deposited into said account or a regularly scheduled funds transfer (per pay period) between said account and the account that you use for more mundane expenses, such as food and housing. (HMS)
123. (Re: 122) You actually buy one. (BJL/ACP, PLA/CVC)
122. While shopping for a new home, you note all of the properties with large, unobstructed hardwood floors, either for yourself or for your dancing friends. (MMS)
121. When listening to music, you only play the first two minutes of any song, the reason being that the first two minutes is the only viable showcase music material. (BJL)
120. You want to rumba, cha-cha or waltz to Christmas Carols. (SLO)
119. You create an e-mail address (or worse yet, an Internet domain) to reflect your love of dancing. (PLA, SLO)
118. You're in jail. You use your one phone call to reschedule your dance lesson. (PLA)
117. You come up with $6000 to bail your boyfriend out of jail. You spend it on dance lessons instead. (CLS)
116. You get lost following directions to an event, because you don't realize until you are officially lost that you are following the directions to your samba routine. (WHR)
115. You remove most of the furniture from your living room to make room for dancing. (CMB)
114. You realize you have so many dance outfits, you need to add/acquire/build a second closet. (???)
113. You justify the cost of dance lessons to your husband with the statement "you want me skinny, you pay the price!" (LLS)
112. After driving 11 hours straight on returning from your vacation, you decide you want to go dancing. An hour later you find yourself on the dance floor. (CMB)
111. The real tragedy of the Titanic is that, since women and children were evacutated first, the men had no one to dance with as the ship sank. (CLS)
110. You are way over your head in consumer debt, but you need to buy more dance lessons... bankruptcy becomes a viable option. (BJL)
109. You won't spring for a $2 rental fee for Speed 2, but you don't bat an eyelash at paying $205 for your comp video. (JS)
108. You have to take your mom to her doctor's appointment. You open the front car seat door and see all your dance shoes on the seat... you make mom sit in the back. (CSG)
107. As you are taking your mom to the hospital for a very serious operation, the only thought going through your head is that if she dies, the family will have to postpone the funeral, cause no way are you going to miss the Atlantic City DOR comp. (CSG)
106. You spent months planning for the Albany competition in May. In a passing thought it occurs to you that your son graduates sometime in May. You then decide that you better check the calendar so you'll know ahead of time if you'll need to apologize to him for missing his graduation. (CSG)
105. Body glue, double-sided tape and pasties become the most important items in your cosmetic bag. (CLS)
104. Having just learned of your--or your spouse's--impending unemployment, your first response is to check how many lessons you have left before you must find work. (LLS,CLS)
103. Abandoning your lifelong quest for a soul mate, you go out night after night after night in search of the "perfect" dance floor. (PLA)
102c. You think with your feet instead of your brain. (SPB,PLA)
102b. Muscle memory supersedes the cognitive mind in directing one's future. (SPB)
102a. Your esteemed position with a respected institution that employs you is meaningless next to your need to practice your dance between appointments at that institution. Upon challenge of your unprofessional behavior by the Dean, you respectfully resign rather than give up your dancing. (SPB,CHS)
101. You show this list to your friends without being ashamed. (ZS)
100. You show up at the Medal Ball after a 20 hour flight. You dance while half asleep. (ZS)
99. You had two wisdom teeth extracted and went dancing the next day. You would have gone to group class the same day had you not been forbidden to drive for 24 hours by the doctor due to anaesthesia. (ZS)
98. You had to quit your bowling league because your average dropped over 20 pins because: a) Your 4-step approach turned into an 8 step merengue; b) When your shot veered to the right, it was because a waltz song came on the overhead speaker, and you kept doing an Arthur Murray left box turn at the foul line; c) You would always end up forfeiting your score for a frame when the Macarena came on the radio (and ended up crying, I can't take it anymore!); d) Your proper arm follow through at the line, turned into proper arm styling. (WHR)
97. You are going away to a remote and popular vacation spot that has much hiking, picturesque and breathtaking views, mountain biking trails, shopping at a very relaxed pace, pubs with blueberry beer, but no dance floors/halls that you know of. You still bring your dancing shoes (or Tevas), just in case. (WHR)
96. You have just gotten out of the shower. You're late for work. You hear Tracy Chapman on the radio in the bedroom and begin to practice your West Coast Swing in the mirror. (PLA)
95. You have a choice for your honeymoon. $2800 for an all inclusive Carribean cruise, 8 days,7 nights including round trip air fare to Miami--or--$4400 for 3 nights in Atlantic City, New Jersey, in December. It's a no brainer, there's a comp in Atlantic City. (ER,KR)
94. Your favorite smooth and rhythm numbers are the "Masochism Tango" and the "Boot to the Head" Samba. (LR,WHR)
93. You attempt to collect a special "combat" award for butting heads with your competition during the Pro-Am 3 smooth scholarship. (LLS)
92. Your former martial-arts training begins to come in handy during social dancing. (PLA)
91. When non-dancing friends (do you have any left?) ask how your dancing is going, you stop showing them your competition awards and start showing them your permanent scars. (PLA)
90. Your competition entries are done. You have changed out of your dance shoes into your Teva sandals. You hear a cha-cha come on, and you decide to have one last dance. You are having the time of your lives, until you realize you have just unofficially entered the Pro-Am 3 rhythm scholarship finals. (BJL,PLA)
89. You subsist on a diet of Power Bars and coffee. Comp is coming up. Who has time to eat and sleep? (PLA)
88. The police officer pulls you over. Questioning your state of sobriety, he instructs you to walk the line. You respond, "That's my favorite" and proceed to triple step, triple step, rock step, turn, turn... (CHS)
87. Your pickup technique now involves walking up to the woman feeding the jukebox and saying, "Nice bolero." (PLA)
86. Mom travels 2400 miles to visit you, and you hire a babysitter to keep her company while you go dancing. (PLA)
85. You may not have a tire jack in your car for those needed emergencies, but you always have a pair of dance shoes in the trunk. (CHS)
84. You travel 900 miles to visit mom, but spend more time looking for places to dance than visiting. (CHS)
83. You're with a group of non-dance friends listening to the radio. Someone asks if anyone can identify that song... while the others are thinking of artists, you holler "rumba." (CHS)
82. $40 for a pair of designer jeans? You've got to be kidding! $275 for a pair of latin pants? Can I have them in time for comp? (CHS)
81. You have to explain the difference between "Full Bronze" and the tanning salon everybody has been going to. ("I'm not full bronze yet, because I still wear a bathing suit when I go to the tanning salon.") (WHR)
80. You're listening to an Adam Sandler comedy CD. A few of the tracks are music... almost completely ignoring the funny/explicit lyrics, you tell yourself, "This would be an awesome swing!" (PLA)
79. Your (business or pleasure) trip to a new city is a success if and only if you get to dance there. (PLA)
78. You play your dance CDs at work and practice your arm styling while waiting for your code to compile. Your slow computer is no longer a liability. (PLA)
77. You frequently use the right lane for passing when driving, because that's the lane you use for passing when dancing line-of-dance. (WHR)
76. You no longer prefer compact cars because it restricts your arm styling when listening to your favorite rumba tunes (or any other tunes) on the radio (HEY, MAYBE MOTORCYCLES?). (WHR)
75. You pick your favorite grocery store based on the type of music they play in the aisles (I've been shopping at "Cuban Pete's Variety Store" for 6 months now). (WHR)
74. Your dance partner compliments your frame. You beam with pride. Later you realize the comment was directed at your eyeglasses. (ACP)
73. Imagine an amorous moment in the boudoir... candles burning... soft romantic music playing... your lover whispers "take me now"... and you assume dance position. (PLA)
72. You now enjoy staying home with your father to watch the Lawrence Welk show. (BJL)
71. That godawful disco music that you hated in college, and to which you attributed the imminent fall of Western civilization, has quietly made it into your music collection under the heading "Hustle." (PLA)
70. You get pulled over for speeding, when returning from a dance show of Bob and Julia's (doing 75 in a 50), and you explain to the officer that you are returning from said event with that excited and breathtaking quiver in your voice (even though Bob and Julia finished dancing over an hour ago). The officer, hearing your voice and looking into your eyes, determines you are a ballroom dance junkie, and lets you off with a warning. (SPB)
69. You're sitting in your doctor's waiting room when the Blue Danube comes on the radio. You look around for a Viennese Waltz partner, then you remember where you are. You break into a cold sweat while holding yourself down in your seat. You finally content yourself with tapping your toes. (PLA)
68. Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall: You are the doctor...you are in one of your exam rooms... The Blue Danube is playing on the radio...you practice your Viennese Waltz...even though: 1. it is not in your program. 2. you have patients waiting for you in your waiting room (including a glassy-eyed, toe-tapping maniac). Priorities, priorities! (SPB)
67. On your way to work, you unconsciously turn off at the dance studio exit instead of continuing on to your work exit. (LR)
66. You get far more dance practice than sex. (LR)
65. Your spouse surprises you with a trip to a romantic getaway for your wedding anniversary. Your primary concern is whether there's a ballroom in the vicinity. (LLS)
64. You risk your life driving through a blinding snowstorm to get to the dance studio. It never occurs to you that the studio might be closed due to the weather. (LLS)
63. You don't go on many dates. When you do, instead of a romantic dinner and a movie you spring for a quick burger and an evening of group lessons. This is why you don't go on many dates. (PLA)
62. You get a part-time job to support your ballroom dance habit and you suddenly realize you are working to pay for group lessons you can't take because you are working to pay for them. (DPA)
61. You realize that you could buy the new Corvette 1997 C5 edition, loaded, and the car payment would be less than your monthly payment at the studio. You rationalize that it's more fulfilling doing a perfect spot turn, and dancers have more sex appeal than Corvette owners. (WHR)
60. You carry your checkbook in your shoe bag. It starts to smell like your shoes. (WHR)
59. Your explanation to the State Trooper as to why you should not get a speeding ticket is that the song on the radio was a really good QuickStep. Your foot got carried away on the gas pedal. (SRS)
58. No one else enters the cafeteria at work while you're waiting for your lunch to heat in the microwave. They're worried your pivot practice is the symptom of a weird disease. (SRS)
57. Your video cabinet is filled with competition and coaching lessons. Who needs the anniversary issue of Snow White? (SRS)
56. You realize the radio is reporting a rush hour traffic jam on Rte 128. It turns out to be you because you were listening to a great Bolero on the radio. (SRS)
55. You need a new suit for an important business meeting and you find yourself in the evening gown section buying a hot sequined dress for Latin Competition. Who needs a power suit anyway? (SRS)
54. When looking for a job, you refuse interviews with any potential employers outside of a one-mile radius from the dance studio. (LG)
53. You deliver your baby in the shoe changing room just in time to finish your quickstep. (PLA)
52. You are so sore from dancing all weekend that you look for the nearest sauna (which is correctly pronounced "sow-na"). (BJL)
51. At function facilities you are treated like a second class citizen, because you don't spend any money there, you just dance. You don't spend any money there because... (see item #1, below) (CHS)
50. You take the elevator one flight to save your feet for dancing. (All)
49. Your instructor asks if you can do a check and you respond "How much?" (WHR)
48. You notice one morning that you have been sleeping with your arms in closed dance position. (PLA)
47. You're hearing the Lambada playing right now. (PLA)
46. You hang around at the studio even when you don't have a lesson. (LLS)
45. A discussion with your spouse on the religious upbringing of your offspring pales in intensity to the disagreement over the foot position on the second figure in your routine. (CHS)
44. You buy "stick-ups" for your shoe bag, not for your house. (Do you still have a house?) (LLS)
43. You have a specially made rubber stamp for checks that preprints the name of your dance studio. (WHR)
42. You "conveniently" forget your wallet, credit cards, keys, etc., at a dance hall, so that you'll have an excuse to go back soon. Or else you were so distracted by your dancing that material concerns, such as eating, become immaterial. (PLA)
41. You don't know the meaning of the word, "perseverate." (PLA)
40. When someone asks, "Where are you from?" you answer with the name of your dance studio. Later you realize they were asking where you live. (MA)
39. When you are at Home Depot you make a habit of stopping by to price the parquet. (BJL)
38. You meet the woman (or man) of your dreams, a brilliantly witty, successful, nonsmoking professional, with terrific looks to boot. She appears quite taken with you as well. In the first five minutes of your conversation, you imagine yourselves having many children and growing old together. She mentions that she doesn't like to dance and you drop her like a hot potato. (PLA)
37. You start placing bets on the PBS ballroom dance competitions. (PLA)
36. You rename your cats Fred and Ginger. (PLA)
35. The price of a dance lesson becomes your standard monetary unit, as in, "My new car only cost me 60 lessons." (DPA)
34. (RE: 35) You write your congressman suggesting, no, insisting, that a new currency be issued in the above denomination, with the likeness of Arthur Murray and/or Fred Astaire on the bill. (PLA)
33. Your family insists that you've joined a cult. You vehemently deny this and in the next breath request that they practice Cuban Motion with you. (SPB)
32. When talking to a member of the opposite sex, you have this uncontrollable urge to hold him/her in dance position. (SPB)
31. Having overcome the above uncontrollable urge, you start pacing, while talking to the above mentioned person. Suddenly you realize that you are not pacing, you are practicing Cuban Motion to a Rumba box step. (SPB)
30. While driving to the Arthur Murray studio you prop your dance shoes up against the heating vents and turn up the heat so your shoes will be dry and warm by the time you get there. This may involve steering the car with your knees, but warm, dry shoes are worth it. (SPB)
29. You justify the cost of that competition by consoling yourself that you won't take, or it is, your vacation for this year. (CHS)
28. In your retirement, forget about that retirement community in Florida! You'd rather sell your home, buy an RV, and travel cross-country from ballroom to ballroom. (BJL)
27. You keep adding to a list of the top 27 ways to know you are a ballroom dance junkie and email it to all your friends. (PLA)
26. Your children's names are Walt, Chachi, Sammy, and Swing (hey, why not, there's a Sting, after all). (PLA)
25. The old speed dial numbers on your phone get erased and reprogrammed with the phone number of the studio and with your dance buddies phone numbers. (Who needs mom and dad on the speed dial anyway?) (BJL)
24. Your smooth competition gown was more expensive than your car. (BJL)
23. Your closet has more space set aside for dance clothes than for work clothes. (BJL)
22. Your house is a refrigerator carton, but it has room for six pair each of Latin and smooth dance shoes. (PLA)
21. The morning drive to work gives time to practice winking your belly button in the privacy of your own car. (BJL)
20. You can't walk past a hotel without checking out the dance floor in the ballroom window. (PLA)
19. Someone asks you if you have a brush... and you automatically assume they mean a shoe brush. (LLS)
18. Your house has many empty rooms because dance lessons come before furniture. (CHS)
17. Whenever you see an evening gown, you envision how the rhinestones should be pasted on it (for the guys, whenever you see a shirt, you determine if it will work for Latin or not). (CHS)
16. ABC Monday Night Football or PBS Ballroom Dance Competition? What, are you kidding? (PLA)
15. Wall? What wall? I have a step to finish! (LLS)
14. Your budget for sequins approaches the gross domestic product of some Third World countries. (All)
13. Every time a song comes on the radio, you try to figure out what dance step it is. (PLA)
12. You blow off all social engagements that don't involve dancing. (PLA)
11. You give serious consideration to finishing off your basement with a parquet floor. (PLA)
10. You catch yourself practicing grapevines down supermarket aisles. (SJ)
9. Your children's nursery rhymes start to have recognizable dance rhythms. (BJL)
8. Picking coins off the floor becomes a chance to practice your flares. (PLA)
7. Your idea of hell is a 10,000 square foot dance floor with no members of the opposite sex. (BJL)
6. You own a trunkload of shoes with suede soles. (PLA)
5. Your mail is addressed c/o the dance studio. (PLA)
4. You're willing to drive long distances every Saturday night and endure slow painful death by Fox Trot. (PLA)
3. American Express?? Don't leave home without a suede brush and a towel. (PLA)
2. Your Quicken software has a separate category for dance lessons. (PLA)

And the Number One Way to know if you are a ballroom dance junkie:

1. You're broke. (All)