How to Sing The Blues

(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D., Dr. Stevie Franklin and Dr. Samba)
  1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
  2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. ex: I got a good woman--with the meanest dog in town.
  3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. ex: Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound.
  4. The blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.
  5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs (except those equipped with the OnStar System) and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Hybrids, fuel cell cars and the Segway, forget it. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
  6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Toddlers are right out. Adults sing the blues. in the blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
  7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens, Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Vermont, North Dakota, St. Paul or Tucson are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
  8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiin' is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator chompin' on it is.
  9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
  10. Good places for the blues:
    1. the highway
    2. the jailhouse
    3. an empty bed
    4. bottom of a whiskey glass
  11. Bad places for the blues:
    1. Ashrams
    2. gallery openings
    3. weekend in the Hamptons
    4. Ivy league institutions
    5. golf courses
  12. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
    1. violet
    2. beige
    3. mauve
  13. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
  14. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
    Yes, if:
    1. you're older than dirt
    2. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
    3. you're blind
    4. you shot a man in Memphis
    5. you can't be satisfied
    No, if:
    1. you have all your teeth
    2. you were once blind but now can see
    3. the man in Memphis lived
    4. you're deaf
    5. you have a trust fund
  15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
  16. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
  17. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
    1. wine
    2. Irish whiskey
    3. muddy water
    4. black coffee
    5. Mad Dog
    Blues beverages are NOT:
    1. Dom Perignon
    2. mixed drinks
    3. kosher wine
    4. Snapple
    5. sparkling water
  18. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, dying lonely on a broken down cot, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting a liposuction treatment.
  19. Some Blues Names for Men:
    1. Joe
    2. Willie
    3. Little Willie
    4. Big Willie
    5. Wet Willie
    6. Lightnin'
    7. Mad Dog
  20. Some Blues names for Women:
    1. Sadie
    2. Big Mama
    3. Bessie
    4. Fat River Dumpling
    5. Mad Dog
  21. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
  22. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
    1. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
    2. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
    3. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
    Mix and Match
  23. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy that thing. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or even a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care. (see below first!)

And now, an added treat...

Blues Name Generator

If you need a new blues name, just click the button below. If you don't like the first name, click again for a whole new one. Just keep going until you find a name that suits you!

A couple of notes:

  1. This Blues Name Generator is based on the formula in the Starter Kit above.
  2. We make no claim to being approved by the PC Police. The blues is not PC and never will be. Some folks may be offended by what comes up as a physical infirmity. It's a joke. Deal with it.

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