Long ago, some time during the Renaissance to be precise, in a faraway land, there lived a beautiful princess. The princess was the daughter of a wealthy and powerful king, and she was known throughout the land for her intelligence, beauty and charm. Minstrels sang far and wide of her beauty, and it was not long before handsome, rich and talented princes came from the corners of the earth to seek the hand of the princess. But alas, the princes held no appeal to her; having grown up rather pampered, they just lacked that something, that manhood, that the princess so desperately longed for. But time went on, and no suitable men appeared, and the princess grew lonelier and lonelier.
One night, alone in her bed, the princess cried, "Oh, when will I meet a real man!" Suddenly, in a flash of light, a sweet-looking little old lady appeared holding a wand.
"Who are you??" asked the princess.
"Why, I am your fairy godmother, child," answered the old lady.
"Oh silly, there's no such thing! I suppose that's your magic wand?" laughed the princess.
"Work with me on this, will you? Look, I just got this job after the big layoff at the genie agency. Just a couple of years from retirement when the CEO made off with all of the 401K funds. I'm working 100% on commision here. The hours are lousy and the benefits are non-existent. But I really need the money," said the fairy godmother.
"Whatever," said the princess, rolling her eyes.
"Now, what were you going on about just now?"
"Well, I have been visited by so many princes, dukes, shahs, sultans and various and sundry noblemen from all over this whole flat earth seeking my hand in marriage, but they all seem so, so--oh, I dunno--so danged wimpy! I just can't imagine myself married to someone like that!"
"So you're looking for someone more--exciting?"
"Yes."
"Someone who'll really get your heart pounding?"
"Exactly!"
"Someone who'll make the adrenaline flow?"
"What's adrenaline?"
"Never mind. Someone who will make your skin quiver when he touches you, who will raise the hairs on the back of your neck when he blows in your ear, who will give you goose bumps at the mere mention of his name?"
"Oh, yes! Yes! YES!!"
"You've really gotta lay off the romance novels, kid."
"Listen, are you gonna help me out here or what?"
"I'll tell you what. I'll grant you one wish. You can wish for any kind of man you want. But you must be very specific with what you ask for, and you won't get a second chance. If you don't like the man I give you, you'll be stuck with whatever wussy princes want to come and take over the kingdom."
"So I get one shot."
"Right."
"Whatever I ask for, I get, but there's no changing the wish once it's granted."
"Bingo!"
The princess thought long and hard about this. It's true, she had read some romance novels, which had been supplied to her by her fairy godfather, but that's a fairy tale for another day. Still, she thought that they did have some good material for what would constitute a suitable mate...
"Let's go, kid, I'm on the clock. Soon as I'm done here, I've got to deliver a pumpkin and a pair of glass slippers to one of my other clients."
"OK, OK. I want to marry--a BIKER!" Visions of tearing up the asphalt on the back of a Harley™ danced in her mind. Never mind that Harleys, not to mention asphalt, wouldn't be invented for hundreds of years yet...
"One biker, coming up!" said the fairy godmother. "Gotta run, kiddo, Cindy's waiting." And in a puff of smoke, she was gone. As the smoke cleared, the princess looked and rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, man! You have got to be kidding me!"
Standing in front of her, wearing a black jersey and leggings and a racing helmet, a bagful of trail mix in one hand, and sipping water from the CAMELBAK™ strapped to his back, was the princess's dream man. NOT!
"That's not what I meant! Enough men in tights, already!!!" But it was too late.
The fairy godmother, of course, knew exactly what she was doing. She understood perfectly what the princess meant, but she also knew that the princess would not be happy with such a man for long. Oh sure, it would be exciting at first, but then it would be time to settle down and raise the royal heirs and run the kingdom, and he'd be off all the time with his biker buddies, and drinking and crushing beer cans on his head just one too many times, and staying out late, and you just know one day he'll just not bother showing up at all, probably took up with some biker chick somewhere, and now she'll have to find work as a genie or as a fairy godmother, just to make ends meet, and oh isn't this just great, and, and, and... but I digress.
The biker asked, "OK, where am I? I was minding my own business, doing a half-century ride on the new rails-to-trails project, and had just stopped for a drink of water. Suddenly I saw this puff of smoke, and I ended up here. Who are you and what's that get-up you're wearing?"
"Look who's talking! Listen bud, I am the princess of this kingdom, and this 'get-up' just happens to be my royal gown!"
"Oh, I wish I had a dime for every time I heard that! Listen, the last thing I need is to deal with some pain in my royal..."
So they didn't get off on the right foot. But remember, fairy godmothers know best. Soon, they got past their cultural differences. She came to appreciate the mountain bike trips through the enchanted forest. She found the extreme downhill treks exhilarating. She found her heart pounding, and the adrenaline flowing, even though she still didn't know what it was. He came to appreciate the princess's royal breeding, charm and wit. She really was a intelligent, beautiful and charming princess, after all. Soon, he presented her with an engagement ring, and a short time later, they were married. The fairy godmother gave away the bride, since the king and queen were off on yet another royal vacation.
It was a short while after that, that they had another surprise. Unbeknownst to either of them, the fairy godmother had poked a microscopic hole in the hypo-allergenic royal latex...
A few years later, they were raising their own little biker princess, and they all lived happily ever after.
After therapy and Prozac™, that is.
Copyright © 2002 Peter L. Alcivar. All rights reserved.